


Unicorns

by Sapphire_Princess



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Awesome Sam, Bunker Fic, Clarence - Freeform, Dean - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, Human Castiel, It's a Wonderful Life, M/M, Past Meg/Cas, Sam - Freeform, Unicorns, alternative season 9, castiel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-25
Updated: 2014-05-25
Packaged: 2018-01-26 13:03:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1689269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphire_Princess/pseuds/Sapphire_Princess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel has been living at the bunker for a few months when Sam finds him sat watching It's A Wonderful Life on his own. He weighs up the option of going to find Dean or check to see if Cas wants to talk... he's not sure if Cas and his brother have gotten around to that yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unicorns

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own it etc... 
> 
> Let’s be fair, as far as I’m concerned I’ve been watching Cas and Dean fall and then realise they are in love with each other since the end of season 6. I also liked Meg in seasons 7 & 8 and of any reoccurring character she had the most enjoyable development to watch. I also hated when and how she died and I had been thinking of writing this for a while before I eventually did it. It’s Dean/Cas with Sam being his usual awesome self. Set in alternate season 9 when Cas stayed with Dean, Sam and Kevin in the bunker and they found another way to save Sam.

Cas had been with them for a couple of months now and they’d settled into life in the bunker with occupant number 4 with almost no trouble besides a shortage of coffee and hot water in the mornings.

The TV was quiet but Sam had heard it down the hallway and when his curiosity had gotten the better of him he’d ended up in the doorway to their makeshift den to see Cas watching a film not normally seen outside of December.

It’s a wonderful life.

Sam knew why Castiel was watching it, he had finally explained the Clarence reference after Cas had used it as an alias on their first hunt together the week before. He had been surprised that the film and the reference had been lost on his brother - given the amount of TV and movies he managed to watch - but he wondered if maybe christmas movies always struck a little too close to the bone and so Dean avoided them.

Cas had just nodded at the time but Sam remembered his closed off expression as he watched the world pass him by on the drive back that afternoon. He had wondered if Cas had known she was dead before that point - he couldn’t remember himself or Dean telling him - if so he was sorry to have let him find out that way.

“Hey Cas. You want some company?” Sam asked quietly, taking a step into the room now that the film was over.

“I’m not sure.” Cas replied, half turning but not quite looking at Sam from where he sat on the large dark red sofa. He leaned forwards and grabbed the remote, turning the TV and DVD player off as he did and sitting back in silence.

“Not sure you want company or not sure you want mine?” Sam asked. “Because I can go get Dean if you want?” They could sit in a stoic silence together and not talk about things.

“No, that’s okay. He’s on the phone to Garth.”

Sam sighed. “Okay then, I’ll stay until you want me to leave.” and when Cas gave no protest he came around and sat on the other side of the sofa.  
Cas was dressed in one of his new T shirts and plaid blue button up, his feet were tucked under him on the couch and there was a blanket draped around his shoulders. There were also tears in his eyes and and box of tissues next to the remote. Sam’s heart sank, as good as it was to see Cas letting his feelings out instead of repressing them he hated to think of him doing this alone. But then again maybe he couldn’t face it with anyone else there.

“I had always wondered why she called me Clarence, it seemed a strange name for an angel and later when it became more of an affectionate nickname I didn’t think to question it.”

Sam nodded but didn’t comment.

“I know that she had done so many bad things, that she hurt both you and Dean but she was my friend and I miss her.”

“I know you do and it’s okay.” Sam couldn’t quite bring himself to put a hand on Castiel’s shoulder - he wasn’t sure whether or not he would break down in tears or shrug him off.

Cas shook his head. “I should never have left that night, I should have gone with you and Dean, if had then maybe Meg would still be alive.”

Sam sighed. “Maybe. But we don’t know if that would have gone any better. If Naomi was looking for you then none of us would be here now…. and this isn’t all on you Cas. I could have stayed and helped Meg fight but I didn’t - I ran.”

Cas shook his head. “You had to get out of there, both of you did. I don’t blame you for not saving her, I blame myself for running away.”

Sam sighed, there was so much hurt between them all, so much self doubt and pain that sometimes Sam wondered how any of them managed to get up in the morning let alone fight.

“Can I ask you something?”

Cas squinted at him, forehead wrinkled in thought or confusion. “You have been asking me things.”

“Okay…. Look, it it had been me or Dean out there facing off with Crowley without back up would you have left us behind?”

“No.” The answer was immediate and he seemed so appalled by his own answer than he fell back into the sofa cushions.

“Is that why you feel guilty? Because you didn’t go back for her?”

“Probably…. I don’t know…. I mean there was so much going on and I didn’t really expect her to die and I was running from Naomi and it all… it all got to be too much.” He rubbed his hand over his face. “I honestly don’t know how everyone else deals with it all, these feelings, all of it.”

“Being human isn’t easy Cas.” Sam told him gently.

“I know.”

Sam debated what he wanted to say next. “I’m going to tell you something and if you don’t like it then you can tell me to leave.” Sam told him, figuring asking permission would likely be met with more confusion. Cas only nodded. “Meg talked to me before we were attacked, about me and Amelia and also about you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. She ah, called you her Unicorn.”

Cas just blinked. “If this is another reference to something I haven’t seen yet -“

“No, no nothing like that, at least I don’t think so anyway. Would it be better if I explained that she called Amelia my Unicorn?” He offered, knowing already that Cas knew about her and what she had meant to Sam.

Cas was silent for a minute but then he nodded slowly. He brought his hands up to his face and dropped his head down into them. Sam could hear him taking deep breath after deep breath and he wondered for a moment if Cas was going to cry.

If that happened he was leaving to get Dean.

“We made plans to see each other afterwards.” Cas told him, head still buried in his hands. “Of course at the time I don’t think either of us were expecting to make it out alive.” He looked up at Sam and shifted around on the sofa so that he was facing him. “I cared about her Sam, I know she was a demon but she was better than any I’d ever met and she showed me kindness when no one else could.”

“Did you love her?” Sam hadn’t meant to ask, it had slipped out by accident.

Cas seemed to think the question over instead of avoid it. “She was my friend and I cared about her a lot but no, I know what love feels like, both as an Angel and a human and I didn’t love Meg. Maybe in time and if things had turned out differently I might have but as you’ve said - there isn’t much point in thinking about what might have happened.”

“I thought watching the film would help but all it did was make me feel awful. I understand why so many people try so hard to repress their feelings.”

Sam gave him a small smile. “But you feel better now though right?”

Cas nodded. “Yes.”

“Good.” Then after a moment he added. “Look, if you ever do want to talk - about anything - then you know I’m here for you right? I mean I know you have Dean but I’m here too, just incase.”

Cas smiled at him then, one of the rare ones he usually only saw aimed at his brother. “Thank you Sam, I appreciate it.”

“Okay then.” Sam stood and patted Cas on the shoulder as he left the room. Cas smiled at the gesture and Sam took it as a good sign as he headed back to the library.

  
***

Cas was still curled up on the sofa half an hour later, book in his hand but not really paying attention to it.

“Sorry about that Cas. Garth had more questions and needed more help than I realised. You’d think this was his first case.” He dropped himself down on the sofa and put his arm around Cas, fingers brushing his shoulder as he shifted on the sofa.

“I understand.” Cas told him, closing the book without marking the page and placing it next to the box of tissues.

“You okay?” Dean asked, leaning as far back as he could without removing his arm. Cas just shook his head.

“Did you watch the movie without me?”

Castiel nodded. “I though it might be easier if I watched it alone.” He told Dean, shuffling along the sofa until his leg was pressed against Dean’s.

“And was it?” Dean asked, propping his feet up on the small table in front of them.

“I don’t know. Sam was stood by the door for the last half an hour of it, I thought maybe you’d sent him to check on me but he just stayed there until the film ended then came in to talk to me.”

“Okay.”

“He talked to me about Meg.” He felt Dean stiffed slightly at the mention of her name.

“And?”

“And it helped, I think.” Cas let his head fall to the side and rest on Dean’s arm. “He told me that I was her Unicorn.” he said.

“He what?” Dean asked quietly, fingers tightening on Cas' shoulder.

“I didn’t understand it either.” Cas told Dean in the same serious tone he used to talk about almost everything. “But it means that she saw me as her reason to leave a life of evil behind, that she… she loved me enough to want to change.” Cas could still see Dean’s face from where he rested against him and he saw the tension in his jaw and feel his whole body tense up. “I cared about her a lot Dean, but as I told Sam, I wasn’t in love with her. I was her unicorn but she wasn’t mine.” He suspected somehow that he was communicating it all wrong but he was sure that Dean would say something about it if he didn’t understand him.

“Cas.” Dean spoke so softly Cas had barely caught his mouth moving.

“What?” He asked, he wondered of his seriousness was what had bothered Dean.

“It would be okay if you were, if you had been in love with her.” That wasn’t what he was expecting.

“I don’t understand.” Dean shifted and turned to face him and Castiel had to lift his head out of the way as Dean placed both his hands on his shoulders.

“She was a demon and I hated her for what she did to us. To me, you and Sammy. But she looked after you when I couldn’t and she was loyal till the end. And I could see right through her lies when she told us you were useful to her, that that was why she stayed around. She loved you Cas and if you’d waned to… - if she’d lived - then I wouldn’t have stood in your way.” Dean told him, unable to maintain eye contact. His grip on Cas' shoulders was firm but it didn’t bring Cas the comfort it usually did.

“I know.” Cas placed his hands on Dean’s legs. “But Dean… it… it wouldn’t have ever really worked with Meg. I’m sure I’d have tried but it would only have hurt her and it wouldn’t have been fair to any of us.”

“Cas?”

Cas smiled sadly, trying to decide how to explain. “I wasn’t sane at the time but the night the Tablet woke me up Meg asked me about you. She wasn’t very kind about it but she wanted to know what had happened between us and she was surprised by the answer.”

Dean looked at him with wide eyes. “What did you tell her?”

“I think I told her that I was in love with you but that you didn’t know and likely didn’t feel the same way.”

“You think you told her?” Dean asked quietly.

Cas nodded. “I wasn’t exactly well at the time and it all seemed to jumble together.”

“I’m really not sure I want to hear this, but what did she say?”

“She laughed, but she believed me and I actually think she felt sorry for me. She told me I was wrong, that you were just too repressed realise how you felt.”

“She offered you a shoulder to cry on?” Dean looked very much like he was trying to understand but failing and Castiel didn’t like it when he looked like that. It reminded him of too many other misunderstandings between the two of them.

“She was my friend Dean.” Cas said by way of explanation. “And I was in no place to ask for your forgiveness or Sam’s.”

“Cas.” Dean’s voice was softer this time and Cas met his eyes with a weak smile.

“She knew how I felt but she said she wouldn’t let it stop her, then she made me an offer after we found her again.”

“I know about that one.” Dean had interrupted their conversation after all and the memory made Cas flinch, he had so many regrets about that one mission, about those few days that looking back was as hard as it was painful.

“Dean, I didn’t think that you would ever want this and at the time it was far from on my mind.”

“I know.” The hands on his shoulders loosen their hold but only so that the could rub and squeeze the tension from them.

“And after everything that’s happened since and becoming human then coming here -“

“It’s okay Cas, I get it now.” Dean reassured him. “I just thought for a moment there…”

And finally Cas understood. “Dean. Naomi had me kill more than a thousand replicas of you - not Meg - because she understood that you were my greatest weakness and also my greatest source of strength.”

“I know.” He sounded defensive.

Cas shook his head. “I know that you don’t like to hear me say it but -“

“If you call me your Unicorn I swear to god you’re sleeping in your own room tonight.” Dean told him, clenching his hands on Cas’ shoulder. In response though Castiel pulled a face somewhere between shock and horror, it seemed to be the right thing to do though because Dean relaxed again.

“You are not a consolation prize Dean, I am not and will not ever be with you just because I can be. I want to be here Dean, I need to be here with you and Sam and Kevin.”

Dean still looked uncomfortable and embarrassed but Cas could tell it was because of his sincerity rather than what he was actually saying. He was trying to work on Dean’s self worth but it was hard going at the best of times and these kinds of conversations were usually at night in the darkness of one of their bedrooms.

So Cas leaned further forwards and kissed Dean, the tension left him immediately and he responded to him, moving his arms around Cas’ shoulders as Cas’ hands slid along his legs and then his waist when he was close enough.

He lifted himself up and onto Dean’s lap and Dean held him close against him, his breath warm on his face when they parted from the kiss. They didn’t say anything for a long while, Dean held onto Cas and Cas pressed his face into Dean’s neck and breathed quietly and deeply.

Being human was hard and emotions sometimes caught him by surprise. One moment he was enjoying Dean’s closeness and the next he was trying not to cry over the death of his friend, he didn’t understand why such tenderness opened up so much sadness.

“It’s okay Cas.” Dean told him, hands rubbing up and down his back. “It’s okay.” Cas didn’t cry though, not like he had that one night a few weeks ago. Dean had found him in the shower and taken him back to bed wrapped in towels and all the sheets he could find. He had held onto Dean and Dean onto him and cried for what had felt like hours. He had been so ashamed then, as though his pain was no ones fault but his own but Dean had been there for him then like he was now, solid and warm.

Dean seemed braced for tears though, and although Cas knew it would have been okay if there were he just couldn’t find the will or need to let it out like that. He realised that he had already cried for her, that he counted her amongst the lost friends and family he had already mourned.

He pulled back slowly but made sure to stay within the circle of Dean’s arms and he didn’t shy from his gaze when he looked at him. Most of their conversations were silent, questions asked and answered in seconds. Things that neither of them knew how to voice but understood none the less. Cas bent forwards and let their foreheads rest together and breathed deeply.

“So, how was it?” Dean asked, his voice quiet and a little unsteady. “The movie, am I missing anything?”

Cas sat up again and slid off of Dean’s lap to once again sit at his side. Their legs were pressed together this time though and Dean’s arm was firm around his shoulders.

“I don’t think so no.” Cas told him, glad of the change in conversation.

“Because of Meg?” Dean asked, his hand sliding into Cas’ as they sat there.

Cas nodded, then looked back at Dean to let him know there was more to it than that and like most things it was too hard to explain in words.

‘Wanna watch something else?” Dean asked him, leaning forwards and grabbing the remote. Cas didn’t stop him so Dean took that as a yes and put on some movie or another. Cas could tell Dean wasn’t paying any attention, that he was looking at him every few seconds to check that he was really okay so Cas leaned into him and let his head rest on his shoulder and curled into his warmth.

It would be okay, he knew that but it would take all of them - not just himself or Dean - along time to deal with everything (If they lived that long). But things were better now than they had been for a long time and that was better than any of them had expected.


End file.
